How To Clean Your Kunyit

by Pang Khee Teik.

Malaysians are panicking about kunyit. We must clean the country of kunyit!

Darlings, we don’t have to clean this country of kunyit. But we can clean our kunyit.

For those who don’t know, kunyit is the Malay name for turmeric, a yellow coloured spice of the ginger family that comes in the form of powder. It is also a derogatory term for gays in Malaysia. According to the logic of this term, poking around someone’s butt will bring one into close encounters with the butt’s byproduct, which for the locals resemble pasty kunyit. So this is how gays are sometimes referred to as “geng kunyit” (trans: turmeric gang).

This is my hypothesis: All these people calling gays “kunyit” must have been adventurous once and poked around the butt but did not have this manual to guide them, so they encountered more kunyit then they were prepared for, leading them to think that all kunyit is bad. Fear not my adventurous Malaysians, your friendly neighbourhood sodomy expert is here to help — I got your back(side). Whether you enjoy the male butt or the female butt (or both), whether you enjoy being penetrated by a man or a woman wearing a strap-on, everything you need to know is here.

For the purposes of this essay, I’m going to refer to shit as shit lah. So that we will stop associating it with wonderful local spices, for goodness sake!

Tl;dr: Just make sure you do a proper enema. And when you do an enema, make sure you wait around 3 – 5 min for all the water to clear. To enjoy anal sex, make sure it is always clean and always consensual.

Your ANALtomy

A friend believes one should not eat before anal sex. But actually food takes a long time to travel from your mouth to your shithole.  You need to know your ANALtomy. Please note that I am not a proctologist, so I could be wrong. Yes, I have stuck a finger (or two or three) up random men’s anuses occasionally, but it was not for health reasons (though sometimes we pretend it is). But here goes…

First, the unhealthy Malaysian food you consumed takes roughly 4 hours to clear your stomach. It then takes about 2 hours to move through all 6 meters of the small intestine. Wow, so fast, you think. Yeah, your intestines is lined with smooth muscle, which are involuntary muscles that help to push everything into the large intestine or colon. I am sorry, gym bunnies, you cannot flex these muscles.

In your colon, up to 90% of liquid in your food gets absorbed. Even though the colon is shorter at 1.5m long, your food can take up to 2 to 5 days to go through it. When it finally reaches the rectum as shit, it should ideally have become elegant, compact, dry packed, and earth-toned like expensive organic body scrub, waiting to be delivered to the highest bidder at Indah Water. Your shit would have by now gone on a romantic cruise through your tunnel of shit, then whoosh through your shithole slide, and wheeeee into the jacuzzi of shit!

This is my favourite part. Your shithole aka anus is a double sphincter. A sphincter is a muscle that contracts to shut, like your eyes. The inner sphincter is made of the same smooth muscle that lines your intestines. But right there at the end is your outer sphincter putting a ring on it. This outer sphincter is your best friend. Unlike their inner partner, they have intentionality. While you have no control over the inner sphincter, you have just enough control to tighten or relax the outer sphincter. They (I am won’t assume their gender) make sure your shit doesn’t leak out in the middle of your dinner date but are ever ready to clench a little on your date later when he decides to feed a sausage into your other end.

Learning to Relax

Learning to relax this outer sphincter is how you learn to let in many wonderful objects of various shapes, sizes, and vibration speed. But before that, you need to learn to let in some water. This is what we are here to talk about. Flushing out your rectum, also known as douching or enema.

Here are some common methods:

This is how they do it in hospitals. You are not in hospital yet. Unless your shit is stuck, or something you put inside is stuck. Otherwise, you don’t need this method.

This handheld pump is sold in sex shops or pharmacies as an easy way to perform enema on yourself. There are also smaller pouches that contain chemicals to trigger defecation. You don’t need this just to clean out your rectum. But the pump is useful if you are travelling and need emergency enemas. You never know!

But if you are in Malaysia, you are in luck. Most toilets come with a bidet hose. If no bidet is available, unscrew the showerhead and use that hose (just don’t tell your housemate you are washing your shit in the shower — unless he is the one for whom you are douching).

Now, turn on the faucet and get the right water pressure. Bring the hose end right up to your anus. Now, relax your best friend.

This is challenging because your outer sphincter wants to relax but your inner sphincter has not received the memo to relax. This inner sphincter you cannot control, unless you are Shaolin kungfu master (but I don’t think a Shaolin master who is able to demonstrate mastery of this sphincter will have much of a following — ooh master, your kungfu is the shit! Teach me sifu as I kneel before your glorious hole! Mmm…).

But if you really don’t know how to relax, you can get this thing that attaches to your hose and ask that model to help stick it inside your ass. You probably need to buy this online or ask your friend travelling overseas where there are sex shops to get it for you.

So if you manage to overcome the pull and push of your inner and outer sphincter, with the help of the right water pressure, you should be able to flood your valley. How much water will depend on your skill and how well you know your best friend.

You will most likely let in too much water. It will fill up your rectum and then continue to flood your large intestines. Don’t worry, this is okay.

Okay, part 2 of ANALtomy. You see, your shit coming down the colon ends in the sigmoid colon which turns around a sharp corner, known as the rectosigmoid junction, before coming down the rectum. And then as it comes down the rectum, it encounters 2 or 3 rectal valves made up of folds of muscle that kind of block them a little and make them wait till they accumulate enough pressure. The valves are kind of like Malaysian traffic police that tries to guide the traffic but usually ends up making it worse by letting the traffic piles up. Sometimes shit that is not immediately expelled, because you are not home to sign the delivery, gets sent back up. All those idiots who like to say their ass is for exit only do not realise things are already going back and forth inside like the corridors of Putrajaya.

But most of you flooding your rectum would assume the water is only in your rectum. So you scream yassss I am clean, jump on the bed, lift your legs, come on fuck me baby fuck me harder fuck me what the fuck oh my god, run back into the toilet and flush your dignity down the toilet bowl. Then you swear never to have anal sex again and proceed to make fun of geng kunyit. Homophobes are made of failed gays.

Remember the Water

Remember the water that leaked into your colon? That is what is coming out now. So let’s go back to the enema. We are not done.

If you have pumped water in and it went past the rectum, pass the valves, into the large intestines, you won’t know, because that inner sphincter that you cannot control like a Shaolin master will not tell you anything because they are not your best friend yet. But then suddenly you are being fucked by a dick that manages to reach that rectosigmoid junction (you lucky devil). Well, if it is getting banged before you took time to know them, they might think, hello, this is moving too fast, and they share their displeasure with you. And your date. And your bed sheets.

So, let’s try again. After you’ve squeezed out shitty water the first time from your rectum, sit there and wait. Now be that kungfu master and meditate and be in touch with your inner sphincter. After a few minutes that sphincter will decide this flood needs to drain through your Smut Tunnel and they will relax. You will now feel it in your rectum. Be an Elsa and let shit go.

In any case, my advice is to always pump in a bit more water and get it into the colon anyway. Always clean as if you are going for a marathon session (one should always have great asspectations).

When It’s Reasonably Clean

When it’s reasonably clean, it’s time to inspect. Put a finger in to make sure it is clean. This can be fun but remember your finger has a job to do. You can wait for your date to finger you later (so don’t keep him waiting too long). If it is not clean, repeat the steps. If it is, meditate a few minutes. If no more water is coming out from the large intestine, and no more shit is detected in the rectum, hallelujah, you are ready for nirvana (I know I am mixing religions, but I think all faiths can agree that cleanliness is next to holeness). Pro-tip, sometimes, if you can’t get yourself to relax enough, wetting your finger and putting it in a little is one way to help your sphincters open up.

You may want to repeat the steps at least 3 times to be sure, so that your guests will leave 5 star reviews about your AssBnB.

But wait, why do I feel like shitting after I eat then, some of you might ask. Well, for some of you, eating triggers your rectal muscles. Just be aware of your body. It is nothing a good enema won’t clean.

Now, I know what some of you are thinking: This is too much work. Darling, that is the amount of work that most good bottoms and women go through to prepare for sex. Tops and straight men think sex is all just about whipping it out and sticking it in. I recommend everyone tries to bottom once. You will appreciate the work that is put in. Who knows, you might appreciate your butt more.

Butt! No Matter How Much We Douche

Butt! No matter how we douche, there is one big piece of shit that will remain in our asses. That shit is called the government. For some strange reasons, it really thinks it is its business what we put in our asses. So it clogs up our asses like a giant constipated turd to make sure nothing else can go in. That shit needs to go. We need to get rid of laws that prevent us from deciding what adults can do with our own body parts. Then we’ll have lots of anal without fear (not that it has stopped us anyway).

So, let’s get together and perform an enema on our politics too. Clean our governments from our rectums.

Now, go have fun with your clean butt, my Kungfu Enemaster.

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This article is Part 1 of Six Steps to Successful Sodomy by Pang Khee Teik.